:C I got uul, tpmoz, elifx and sarcastic bitch.

Hi Friends! I’m looking for comic book recommendations. I’m not too picky, except that I don’t like superhero stuff. I liked The Walking Dead (coulda been a bit racier) but definitely nothing with too much plot. Wouldn’t turn my nose up at some playfully pornographic images or shorelines. Would not like something preachy or that tries to teach me a lesson. I like characters who are motivated and surprise endings where everybody ends up naked. Interested in man on man, men on man, two guys one dude, school boy outfits and anything to do with zombies (preferably attractive male zombies eating each other). It doesn’t need to be in colour or even drawn well. It can short or long, but there better be some action within the first three pages. It’s okay if it conflicts with my feminist ideals.

Thanks!

P.S. Nothing dirty.

Kate 

                                          Just Graduated

123 Fake Street
M7E 5E4
905 905 9059
hiremefortheloveofgod@gmail.com

A recent graduate* of Humber’s comedy writing and performance program, I am motivated and excited to begin my career doing meaningless tasks for over-qualified ego-inflated managers with business degrees who lash out at me because they are haunted by the irony that our drastically difference life choices have still lead them to the same minimum wage customer based hell as myself. I am giddy to work alongside future-unemployed students as they engulf every non-long-weekend summer shift only to immediately become wizards of booking-off-and-calling-in-sick the second someone says the word ‘exam.’ I’m pumped! Pumped to work alongside the stockholmian souls who have devoted themselves 100% to their entry-level job, memorizing bar codes and reminiscing about the Great Napkin Shortage of 2004: pumped to have to earn their meaningless respect by excelling at uncomplicated tasks and pumped to time my breaks so that I don’t have to small talk with them. 

I am a highly capable person, which means I think I am better than this job. I need a job, just like everyone else, but because I have a paper that says I’m the best at this special thing, jobs like the one you’re are offering are drastically insulting to my intelligence. Yet, if you don’t hire me, I WILL HATE YOU. I will add you to the long list of places I use to deflect friends and family from suspicions I’ve been lazy in my quest for employment. And, oh, will I complain. I will complain so hard, Possible Employer. I’ll facebook about not being able to find a job, even one as beneath me as this and all available job seem to be for me, until I ultimately stumble into a steady, entry-level job and must devote all of my complaining to it.

Special Skills:

• Hard working
• Super sneaky about checking my cellphone on the clock
• Will quit on site if asked to deal with puke.
• Perhaps it’s evident from my tone, but, yes, I have both sales and serving experience.

*Okay, so I got like one more credit to fill. Deal with it.

My impulsive liking of TETRIS on facebook had proved to have little effect on my perseption of reality.

Until.

I WANT THIS FUCKING RING. Modcloth, I know I just recently mocked you for your weird looking heir of Slytherin necklace, but I’ve had a tab open with this ring in it for the past three days. 

I can’t justify it. It’s 12.99. PLUS SHIPPING?

Reasons Kate Should Buy The Ring:

-I am an independent woman.

-It is pretty.

-The colour is pretty.

-It does the job of TWO RINGS

-It would look pretty on my hand when I wore it on my hand if I bought it.

Reasons Kate Should NOT Buy The Ring:

-$12.99 could buy many fruits and vegetables, with money left over for one small jerk chicken meal from Jerk King.

-I own other rings.

-There is no special occasion, made-up or otherwise, that justifies buying myself this ring.

-One rose is bigger than the other, I feel like the other rose might feel inadequate and then I’d have to feel sorry for the smaller flower whenever I wore this ring.

-I may have already begun over-thinking this purchase.  

FINAL VERDICT: NOT buying this ring.

REASON: It is too good for me. I’ll just wear the rings I stole from my mother like some sap.

FUN FACT: Literally every pro/con list I write begins with “I am in independent woman.”

This is lovely, ModCloth.com, but how do I go about removing the fragment of Voldemort’s undead soul from this piece? 

Hey guys, I understand what a joke is. I get it, this isn’t real. But you know what? It still pisses me off. Not only is it absurdly unoriginal, but it’s also wrong.

So I wrote a few other versions:

World’s Shortest Fairy Tales:

A man proposes, she says NO and is never pressured to leave her career to raise his child, be his maid, and constantly be the butt of the joke.

A lady proposes, he says NO, both continue to live together and raise children and be happy without any “Take my wife, PLEASE” jokes.

A man choses his 14 year old bride, her family starves to pay a dowry, she is used to breed children and WONT STOP NAGGING HIM AMIRIGHT!?

A man and lady are married. Man still able to hunt, fish, motorcycle, golf, drink and fart because WOMEN AREN’T THAT AWFUL, YOU GUYS.

Here’s an idea: If you hate women so much DON’T MARRY ONE.

Is there any statement sweeter? If so, I haven’t found it.

Seriously you have a billion tupperwear containers. You couldn’t bring enough for the whole bus?

carolynscomedy:

Now that I know how to make GIFs I’m never going to stop. 

I’m in my very own GIF!

A war YOU CREATED Tyra.

My god. She controls the media. 

At this point, they’re asking for it. 

This was more obligation than inspiration. 

Here is some space I made. It tells a story.

Beautiful space dancers find their freedom.

Lady getting soul sucked out of her into a seal.

Everyone involved died.